This Is (was) My Year

Guys,

Today was my last performance of This Is My Year. If you don't know what that is then you haven't spoken to me in the last 4 months. As I hope you know, I have been attending the Randolph Academy for the Performing Arts since September because back in the summer I told my parents:

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!" -Penny/Angel, Scene: Secrets, This Is My Year 

And they said:

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE"- Penny, Scene: Secrets, This Is My Year.

If you came to see the musical you'd understand those jokes. Shout out to anyone who does.

But anyway, I wrote to Randolph's financial aid office explaining how I couldn't afford to go but I missed theatre so much. I was granted a full scholarship and my dream of being in a musical just ONE LAST TIME was granted.

I remember the day well. The day before the first class. September 6, 2014. My mom yells:
"ERICA! I GOT AN EMAIL FROM RANDOLPH AND YOU GOT AWARDED A FULL SCHOLARSHIP!"

I cried. I couldn't believe it. How did I get so lucky? Little did I know that a few months later I was reunited with everyone who ever taught me singing, acting, and dancing at A.C.T.E. in my childhood so it was the most perfect way to end my childhood.

I knew no one. No one knew me. I had lost all confidence I ever had in performing. I was intimidated by the extremely talented people that were in my midst. I had no dance training, apparently everyone else did. I had no vocal training, apparently everyone else did. Acting is my passion so at least I had that going for me...but...so did everyone else. I was in the Pre-College Triple Threat program. Of course they did.

Weeks went by...Months went by...Still, no one really talked to me.

Does that sound familiar to you? Story of my life...I thought this time would be different. We all were going to put on a show together. We all were supposed to support each other, but I had never felt so...alone in my life. At least when I'm alone at my school, I'm one of the most smart, talented, and sure-of-themselves people there. Now, it was an even playing field but I was lacking. I didn't want to sing in front of anyone. They were so much better than me. What if my voice cracked? I know I'm not good enough...I shouldn't even be here...And there's that girl Jessica who is just...Perfect. What if I embarrass myself in front of her? Whenever she wasn't in class, I did better. 

I feed off of vibes. I know who you are the minute you walk into the room and I'm proud to say I can no longer say I have never been wrong. I've been mostly correct, these people still are who I thought they were, but they also turned out to have an element of kindness I didn't expect. I thought Jessica hated me. I thought she was going to laugh if I made a mistake. I thought she would turn around to everyone and judge me behind my back. I am so incredibly happy to say I was wrong. But we'll get to that later.

Barb said it really well today. I can't quote her word for word but she said something along the lines of: when we [Anika and Barb] first came in to workshop with you guys, you all had your own energies, you were separate. And today, you guys have combined and really came together as a team. 

People didn't start talking to me until November. I can't remember who spoke to me first...I think it was Angel, Julia, maybe even Skye? 

And now as I write this I remember the first "scene work" I ever did. And it was with Jessica. We could only say "What are you doing" "Not now" or something like that...I can't remember. But we had like 5 minutes to come up with a scene and we had to say each line 3 times. For the first time in forever, I WAS NOT THE LEADER OF THIS GROUP! She took the lead. 

"Okay. So I think we should be in a store and you can shoplift sunglasses! I'll ask you what you're doing. Okay?"

"Um...Okay."

And we did it. I was PETRIFIED! I was really doing a scene with this...scary girl? And it worked. It happened. We did it. We walked into the store, I saw the sunglass case, opened it up saw them inside. Closed the sunglass case and tried to walk out. She stopped me and asked what I was doing. I told her not now as I slid them into my pocket. We pretended to see the security guard and smiled as we spoke pretending to be innocent. Finally, I ran out and she ran after me. End of scene. 

Little did I know we would be cast as Al and Sarah-Lynn the dynamic duo who Al secretly hated and that I would have to be doing a lot of scene work with the most intimidating girl I have ever met.

Another scene study I did was with Robyn. She was cool, never ever spoke to her before. I wasn't sure what to think of her...was she nice? Was she mean? Who knows, but I was the leader in our scene group. I can't remember our lines, but our scene was that I was a very scared flier. I was shaking, I didn't know what to do with my bag nothing. When we lifted off I looked out the window and my jaw dropped. Everyone laughed. This was good! Finally I ended up watching a video on Robyn's phone that calmed me down. The scene was a huge success. Alright. This was getting less scary.

In November, I remember coming in, not wanting to work on my monologue for the Mock Auditions coming up in 3 weeks and there being someone else who was working on team building skills with us as a group. He asked us our goals in life. I said "To become a famous actress" and Skye shouted "OH I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT HAPPENING!" They joy I felt when those words were spoken is indescribable. Someone-Someone actually noticed me here. Had faith in me here. Believed in me here. Agreed with me here. I was being included and supported. If no one else supported me, Skye did! She believed in my talent, and my confidence went up.

Finally, it was the mock auditions. I had practised the dances too many times to count. I practised my solo more times than not. My monologue was on point. A monologue from You're a Good Man Charlie brown where I was playing the last character I ever played before Randolph four years ago: Lucy. It was the last class before Christmas. I bake at Christmas so I decided to bring in my cookies as a treat for the auditions. (And secretly hoping somebody would befriend me after my baking. It's never failed me before)

I was right. Everyone was so happy with the cookies. This is when I officially befriended Angel. Angel is so tlaented and sweet and the best hugger. I'm going to miss hugging everyone that's for sure... I went home and messaged people on Facebook complimenting them on how well they did that day and surprisingly got such wonderful compliments back. The next two weeks were sad and I knew come January, I would have friends. And I did. Some people said hi, I stood beside people, I talked to people. I went to watch Angel in Urine town. She blew me away. We were the closest now.

Then...I was put with Jessica a lot to read scenes that Barb and Anika had written to test out for the musical. I was still scared, but she was seeming more approachable. I had no other choice but to get comfortable with her. 

The musical was getting more and more developed, each week I was getting more and more excited to see my friends, and each week I was admiring Barb and Anika more and more. Please See More about my idolization of Barb and Anika here if you really want to... During break, we began to take photos. 

And I "discovered the Spice Girls" and we took more photos (To read more see my post here):

And then...I did something for the first time with a friend who isn't Lindsey, Jessica, Callie or my Mom...I made plans with Julia to go to Wexford in Scarborough (which we all know was a really really big deal for me).

It was happening. THIS is what being a teenager feels like huh? Making plans with friends...Taking photos... having someone to talk to...Wishing everyday was Sunday just to see them and your incredible teachers/directors/writers. Texting people, messaging them...And this is why I love musical theatre so much. Back in March I wrote this:

"The bond that you and a fellow Musical Theatre cast mate has is something indescribable. They've seen you mess up and they've seen you win. They've heard you crack your voice half way through a song or they've heard you sing when you could barely talk...and they've also heard you get chosen for a one line solo that suits your voice. They've seen you almost cry from frustration not being able to get a choreography move and have seen how much you sweat and have heard all your grunts during warm up. Heck, they've even seen you barefaced, sweaty, hair in a messy ponytail, and in yoga pants with a matching black t-shirt and sports bra on! They know the true you and you gain this trust that would take years with anyone else that happens in a matter of rehearsals. It's great and possibly one of my favourite parts of doing anything in the entertainment industry. You need their support, they need yours. You need to be able to try something and fail miserably but your cast mates are always there to help you out, cheer you up and on, and remind you how talented you are even when you feel defeated."

After the week I just had, I am happy to report that the feelings I had back in March were nothing in comparison to what they are tonight, Sunday night...Why do all good things come to an end?!

We started off tech week with knowing nothing. Well, that's an exaggeration but we didn't know what tomorrow held. We didn't know what the musical was like. The order it was in...Barb and Anika would cut whole scenes out just days before the musical. And we knew that would happen, it's the experience of a brand new musical. Funnily enough, even up to 5 minutes before every show something was changed. We were learning new songs 3 days before the show.But we managed to go with the flow and did it seamlessly. It was a really cool experience to be apart of!

Holler at him for taking a nap like a boss. I missed all my naps this week AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! Fun Fact: Chedi is the first boy I've hugged besides Nick Jonas. (family and family friends do not count) 

I remember Friday May 8th very well. Our call time was 10:30am, our first show (which was also our first full run through and dress rehearsal) was at 1pm. I had been asked to be an understudy for one of the scenes due to incidents that were happening... That Friday, 2 and a half hours before the show, the girl I was understudying for didn't show up. It was time for me to step up!

We now were faced with the task of re-blocking ALL the numbers. We were standing getting ready to practice Sounds of The Season. A couple people were late so Barb asked where they were standing. Julia pointed out where the girl was standing.

"...Not any more...OKAY! Get ready!" Barb announced. The group began a subtle murmur of what's and confusion. I turned around to Julia and told her.

"Don't worry, I got this." Everyone was still confused until we explained it further. We ran through her scene with Julia once before show time. I walked out of the scene and I remember Barb saying "Very good, bravo Erica!" and that was what I needed to hear to know that everything was going to be okay.

We were about to go into the quiet room when Anika asked "Are all of her lines covered?" and Barb nodded and asked if I could now say all of her lines. Now, please don't think she had a lot. Knowing her lines wasn't the hard part, it was the cues. I barely knew my own cues and now, I had 15 minutes to learn a whole other part's cues? Well...this run through was going to be interesting.

Our first show, the 1pm show on Friday, was an audience of Barb and Anika's students, I guess, from Wexford. They all had been part of an original cast too so they knew how this whole workshop process went. They agreed to let this be our dress rehearsal.

We put our hands in and yelled "CHARLES TUPPER ACADEMY FOR GIRLS!" before it was time for places. I was nervous beyond belief. I said to Anika "What if my voice cracks?" "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR UNCERTAINTIES! There's no time for that now!" Barb interrupted before I could continue to think about it.

We headed up the stairs. "Break a leg!" we excitedly wished each other. My stomach was going, my heart was racing...It was show time. We stood in the dark behind the curtain and my friend Naz gave me a pep talk. My favourite thing she said to me that first pep talk was "If anyone is allowed to mess up today, it's you." I calmed down. Every pep talk ended with "We have to do this."

We did it, we got through the opening number. I was so nervous, my mouth was so dry...My lips were sticking to my teeth. Woot woot! I did it, I had successfully gotten through the first scene. I took off the tape that said Alex (because there was no name tag) and got ready for the next scene. Julia gladly looked through the script for me so I knew when my cues were in the Prom scene. DURING THE SHOW!! TALK ABOUT TEAM WORK GUYS!

The new lines and scenes went so well. Were there mistakes that we all made OF COURSE! IT WAS OUR DRESS REHEARSAL! But that was the smoothest dress rehearsal and first run through that has ever existed (in my humble opinion). And then...all of a sudden...the show was over!

"Wow...how long was that? It felt like 5 minutes," we all agreed. We had to stay for notes after (of course) and then we also came on stage for a Q&A. Something that I remember thinking when the show was over while everyone clapped was:

"Oh...we never talked about how to end this thing..." We all looked around awkwardly and grabbed our chairs and went off...so awkward. It wasn't until before the 3rd show did they tell us to leave the chairs on.

During notes, we spoke about call time (5:30pm) for the next show so we could go over some things and then, their last note was a thank you to me.

"And a big thank you to Erica for stepping up and saving the show,"  they smiled at me. Everyone clapped for a long time. I wanted to cry but acted awkward and smiled anyway. Not trying to be arrogant when I say this but I honestly mean it when I say...It wasn't that big a deal. It was a few extra lines and if it weren't for the support, love, and help of my cast mates it would have been so horrible and I wouldn't have been able to do it or come in on time at all. It was thanks to my cast mates and directors that I was able to pull it off, everything else was nothing.

As I left with my mom to take a break before 5:30, everyone yelled "Great job Erica!" "You're amazing Erica!" "I love you Erica!"

...Wow...I was loved, and appreciated, and I was home. After a 4 year forced retirement, here I was being told how great I did.

"I'm like Tinkerbelle, Finn. I NEED APPLAUSE TO LIVE!!" -Rachel Berry

 

We came back later, I had bought actual name tags for Al which they were very grateful for, and it was time for opening night! Here we go again!

What I remember about the Friday 7pm show:

• We were changing like 15 minutes before show time
• We always did the same thing during the cast pep talk: we got grounded, we sighed, we breathed a lot, we read a letter that someone wrote (like George Randolph, Anika, or Lee-Anne) wrote for us, we Italianed lines, we got things fixed, a line was added and/or changed, a final uplifting thing was said to us and then we were told it was time for our places. 
• The same thing happened in the wings every show: I would drink some water, place it beside the chair, close the door, stand in the dark, Naz would say something encouraging and reassuring to me personally, and then the music would start and I would say quietly "PUMP UP! PUMP UP! HERE WE GO!" and walk down those stairs.
• My voice didn't crack
• I didn't go on for the Fence because there weren't enough chairs, there weren't any books on my side, I couldn't get in my pants on time, I walked on during the line "Forward" to join the cast...
• I sweat through my bra yet again
• One of the eyelets on my green "Darren Criss" dress (I've tried to meet him 3 times and all those times I've worn that dress) ripped...

DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HOT THAT THEATRE WAS? I don't think you understand...Imagine Harbord in the summer, now add leggings, a button-up white shirt, a fall blazer, singing, acting, and dancing for an hour (PLUS REHEARSAL TIME) with little-to-no water breaks.Yeah... My bra has the stains to prove it! And the girls change room was BOILING! Hotter than the theatre. I drank so much water wow.  I had to put on my black yoga pants like tights otherwise my foot would get caught and I wouldn't be able to go on! STRESSFUL! I prayed about costume changes before every show.

We said goodbye, packed our things, left our things in the dressing rooms, and then went home. On my way out I went to get my crowns from Barb. She complimented me again and I got to see Suzy who complimented me as well. Anika did too and before I left she told me one of the musicians during one of my scenes leaned over to her and whispered "wow she's really good!"

I beat myself up so much. I have the lowest self-esteem I've ever encountered. I'm so insecure. So when other people believe in me or compliment me or speak and act kindly to me, it mends a bit of my heart that I ripped up. So thank you friends, for all the sweet comments that helped even a few of the gashes I've given myself heal.

And then it was Saturday, the big day. My friends and family were coming!

Every morning my mom would cut the elastics out of my hair and take away all the fly-aways and re-do the hair style tying the green ribbons in last. My voice was feeling iffy so my dad brought me back these sprays from his office that would help, the first one, the Entertainer's Spray, was fine. I tried the Singer's Saving Grace spray... It went up my nose, I was already feeling so nauseous but now I was over the sink dry heaving... I chewed gum and it passed.

Time for show time. My line was changed again, I got a pep talk from Naz, I prayed I would make it into my blacks this time, and we did it! It was Anika's last show with us, I cried a few times...We were gonna miss her, but Suzy would play for her in the next two shows. And it was childhood all over again! Barb directing, Suzy playing piano...Complete circle.

Then it was lunch time. I DIDN'T go home with my mom as usual. I was determined to spend every last second I could with these people. I had planned to go out with Skye, Angel, Robyn, Henna, Sarah, Chloe (and whoever else went if I'm forgetting someone). But then Jessica said she was going for Sushi if I'd rather have that. From the nerves, my stomach wasn't feeling great that day so I opted for Sushi instead.

I went with Naz, Jessica, and Julia...Yes I know. Did you really hear that right? Did I really just GO OUT WITH PEOPLE? FOR LUNCH? BETWEEN SHOWS? WITHOUT MY MOM? Yes, friends. I did. In my 4 years of high school, no one has offered to do anything of the sort with me during or out of school. Starbucks? Yes. Lets go have lunch for an hour and a half or whatever, no. These people, my cast mates, whom I've known for 8 months actually invited me! I didn't ask to come, they invited me. 

Naz ordered all this stuff for us and I sat beside Jessica. #SarahLynnAndAlForever

We discussed topics such as:

• The musical
• Picky eaters
• Social Anxiety
• Anxiety in general
• How we don't have to pee because we sweat all the water out before it can reach our bladders
• How I'm a "Face type of girl" in which everyone started to laugh at me
• Bulk Barn
• Starbucks
• Our Moms
• And so much more

I told Jessica that I thought she hated me at first and how scary she was. She laughed. 

"I always laugh when people say that. I mean yes I give off that vibe but...If I love you I'll let you know. And if I hate you, I'll you know too."

She then told me her first impression of me at lunch.

"The first thing I noticed was, wow...That girl works hard!" I laughed...Oh more than you'll ever know. "And I really respected that. I love when people take things seriously. I thought you were a very hard worker." If that's my first impression, then I've done something right at least.

I had one of the best days of my life that day. I felt included. I felt special. "Being apart of something special makes you special." Thank you ladies, for making me feel like a normal teenager.

Later, Julia wasn't feeling alright so we chatted it out. And then I discovered something about myself with her and my life now makes a lot of sense! And then we got ready for the big show, the 7pm show with my whole family and friends. Anika had left for NYC at that point...I hope she had a good time. She missed our best show. She was with us in spirit, she wrote a lovely card for us. Apparently, she always starts her cards with "Guys," thus, I started my blog post with "Guys."

I was so nervous. More than before, but determined to show my best friends and my family that this is where I shine. This is where I'm at home. This...if my life. My all, my everything. And we did just that! The worst thing that happened was Jessica forgot to say "AL!" in one scene, but we trekked on through. People told her after back stage, she said sorry, bless her. Don't say sorry, it happens. Live theatre is magical like that. Something different always happens. I wasn't upset or anything. Moving on! 

"Oh get over it!" as Alison would say.

Wow. That 7pm show was incredible! It was our best one. We did so well! I saw my family, I got roses, my grandma gave me $30 so I could be a "paid actress" and my best friends were there. Supporting me forever. Tomorrow...would be the last day.

The morning was sad. I started it as I always do:

• Wake up at 8:30am
• Begin warming up my voice with the recordings from the classes (approximately 30 minutes worth of vocal warmups)
• Have my mom tell me to be quiet
• Sing in that obnoxious voice "MEOW MEOW MEOOOOOWWWW!"
• Go down stairs, force myself to eat breakfast
• Get my hair done
• Head to theatre

Our call time was 12pm...I got there at 10:55am. I waited for my cast mates, Robyn was there first. We chatted and slowly everyone filtered in. Before show time, Barb gave us a great peptalk, she got us to dedicate the show to someone. I cried. We were all shaky. Our last show...Just days ago we still hadn't learned all the songs and it was already over? The just over 1 hour show that felt like 5 minutes of performing was almost over? How did this happen?

We had gotten into a rhythm from where my water bottle is placed, where my blacks are (on top of MY chair in the quiet room with MY book for "The Fence"), to when and where I placed the holiday catalogues, to when and where my binder was placed before the scenes I needed them for, to Naz zipping up Jessica's prom dress first while I got into mine and then switching so I zipped up the rest, to who helped me unzip to get into my blacks in time in the quiet room. It was a well oiled machine and I have never experienced team work quite like it.

We walked up the stairs one last time, we performed one last time. I forgot to say one line but Julia covered for me...And then we took a bow and it was over. 

Walking up the stairs, Sarah was crying. I cried with her, we all hugged her and Barb came over to congratulate us on a great show and a great run, giving us each a hug. That was it... it was really over. It hadn't fully hit me.

We ate pizza in the quiet room and signed posters. My first musical in over 4 years, my first performance in 4 years, my last performance as a high schooler...My first time as an original cast, my first time performing with all these people, my first time with Randolph, my first time doing a performance as a teenager (my last performance was age 12?) It was all over.

I won't ever forget:

• Talking to Sarah-Lynn and Harry about wearing bows to match our uniforms because bows are so in right now
• Discussing how crazy Penny was and the fact that she deserves to cry for interrupting Sarah-Lynn...She's gonna get premature wrinkles anyway.
• Our wickedly awesome plot line for the "party scene" (as told my Jessica):
•  "So Piper and Sarah Lynn are talking, and Al and Harry are talking. Piper is swooning over Harry and Sarah Lynn notices and teases her about it. Harry leaves to talk to Chris and Al is left alone. Sarah Lynn and Piper get her attention. Sarah asks if Al is turnt yet. Al doesn't know what that means. Sarah asks if she can get her a drink. Al asks for soda. Sarah says either "She wants a cooler" or "She's so cute" to Piper. Sarah announces that her and Mr Ryan are exclusive. Al is mortified. Harry returns and joins the conversation about Sarah's affair with Mr Ryan. Al is still mortified. Sarah suggests setting Al up with another teacher (Mr Smith) so they can both have older boyfriends. Al is unsure. Sarah insists it's a good idea, takes Al's hand, and pulls her off to go set her up with Mr Smith."
• The incredible inside jokes and life long friends I've made

We all went for Starbucks and got drinks with our names on them. I hadn't had Starbucks in over 5 months. It was so good! Too bad the whole cast wasn't there, next time...At the reunion!

So, as I write this/wrote this I want to thank Randolph Academy for granting me the scholarship that changed my life and all of you: Julia, Skye, Naz, Angel, Henna, Jessica, Sarah, Robyn, Chloe, Chedi, Isaiah, Alison, Suzy, and of course Barb and Anika for the most incredible expereience of my life that I will never forget. Thank you for the amazing bond we've created, thank you for all that I've learned, thank you for the encouragement, support and love, thank you for helping me find my place and people... My home.

I love you all with all my heart. Words cannot even begin to describe how much each and every one of you mean to me and how much I care about you. You've taught me so much and I finally feel included. Please stay in touch...I can't imagine my life without you.

Before: March 2015

After: May 10, 2015

Charles Tupper Academy After Hours:

(Okay but I got a text from a number I had never seen before that just said "AL"...)

And that, friends, is what 4 days of being in the same hairstyle looks like. #AlProblems

Since it's ended, the musical has spoken to me on another level because now I'm stuck on the fence... And I can't have a minor to follow my heart responsibly, I can't balance passion and brains...But I need to build a shelter in case it rains. And so now I'm faced with a big decision: To attend post-secondary for acting or not. I have until June 24th. Thanks to Randolph, my mom finally understands fully my passion for acting.

As well, the song "May I Have This Dance" has a whole new meaning. If you ignore the fact that it's about prom and reword some stuff take a look how relatable it is to my experience and my cast mates:

"[8 months] ago, we came here together. [8 months] ago like babes in the woods. And we laughed and we cried and we lived and we died and we grew here together...doing things we never thought we could. And the days went by and all of us got older. And each day we tried, we tried to find our way. How time flies; seems like only yesterday. BUT YESTERDAY IS OVER NOW...WE ARE ALL IN CLOVER NOW! Finally it's our turn to shine! And this [has been] the night[s] that I've been dreaming of where every wish [came] true..." and then it's too much about prom from there but otherwise it's totally how I'm feeling. Great job Anika and Barb!

"This is my life. This is my moment! This is my hope...This is my fear...These are my hands! These are my feet for walking forward. This is my year."

Until next time guys...

"BEST YEAR EVRRRRR!!! Gonna miss you Charles Tupp!"

(Please enjoy this horrible photo shopped photo if I have more time one day I'll try to edit it better)

#ThisIsMyYear

Wish it. DREAM IT. Do it.