This Is (was) My Year

Guys,

Today was my last performance of This Is My Year. If you don't know what that is then you haven't spoken to me in the last 4 months. As I hope you know, I have been attending the Randolph Academy for the Performing Arts since September because back in the summer I told my parents:

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!" -Penny/Angel, Scene: Secrets, This Is My Year 

And they said:

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE"- Penny, Scene: Secrets, This Is My Year.

If you came to see the musical you'd understand those jokes. Shout out to anyone who does.

But anyway, I wrote to Randolph's financial aid office explaining how I couldn't afford to go but I missed theatre so much. I was granted a full scholarship and my dream of being in a musical just ONE LAST TIME was granted.

I remember the day well. The day before the first class. September 6, 2014. My mom yells:
"ERICA! I GOT AN EMAIL FROM RANDOLPH AND YOU GOT AWARDED A FULL SCHOLARSHIP!"

I cried. I couldn't believe it. How did I get so lucky? Little did I know that a few months later I was reunited with everyone who ever taught me singing, acting, and dancing at A.C.T.E. in my childhood so it was the most perfect way to end my childhood.

I knew no one. No one knew me. I had lost all confidence I ever had in performing. I was intimidated by the extremely talented people that were in my midst. I had no dance training, apparently everyone else did. I had no vocal training, apparently everyone else did. Acting is my passion so at least I had that going for me...but...so did everyone else. I was in the Pre-College Triple Threat program. Of course they did.

Weeks went by...Months went by...Still, no one really talked to me.

Does that sound familiar to you? Story of my life...I thought this time would be different. We all were going to put on a show together. We all were supposed to support each other, but I had never felt so...alone in my life. At least when I'm alone at my school, I'm one of the most smart, talented, and sure-of-themselves people there. Now, it was an even playing field but I was lacking. I didn't want to sing in front of anyone. They were so much better than me. What if my voice cracked? I know I'm not good enough...I shouldn't even be here...And there's that girl Jessica who is just...Perfect. What if I embarrass myself in front of her? Whenever she wasn't in class, I did better. 

I feed off of vibes. I know who you are the minute you walk into the room and I'm proud to say I can no longer say I have never been wrong. I've been mostly correct, these people still are who I thought they were, but they also turned out to have an element of kindness I didn't expect. I thought Jessica hated me. I thought she was going to laugh if I made a mistake. I thought she would turn around to everyone and judge me behind my back. I am so incredibly happy to say I was wrong. But we'll get to that later.

Barb said it really well today. I can't quote her word for word but she said something along the lines of: when we [Anika and Barb] first came in to workshop with you guys, you all had your own energies, you were separate. And today, you guys have combined and really came together as a team. 

People didn't start talking to me until November. I can't remember who spoke to me first...I think it was Angel, Julia, maybe even Skye? 

And now as I write this I remember the first "scene work" I ever did. And it was with Jessica. We could only say "What are you doing" "Not now" or something like that...I can't remember. But we had like 5 minutes to come up with a scene and we had to say each line 3 times. For the first time in forever, I WAS NOT THE LEADER OF THIS GROUP! She took the lead. 

"Okay. So I think we should be in a store and you can shoplift sunglasses! I'll ask you what you're doing. Okay?"

"Um...Okay."

And we did it. I was PETRIFIED! I was really doing a scene with this...scary girl? And it worked. It happened. We did it. We walked into the store, I saw the sunglass case, opened it up saw them inside. Closed the sunglass case and tried to walk out. She stopped me and asked what I was doing. I told her not now as I slid them into my pocket. We pretended to see the security guard and smiled as we spoke pretending to be innocent. Finally, I ran out and she ran after me. End of scene. 

Little did I know we would be cast as Al and Sarah-Lynn the dynamic duo who Al secretly hated and that I would have to be doing a lot of scene work with the most intimidating girl I have ever met.

Another scene study I did was with Robyn. She was cool, never ever spoke to her before. I wasn't sure what to think of her...was she nice? Was she mean? Who knows, but I was the leader in our scene group. I can't remember our lines, but our scene was that I was a very scared flier. I was shaking, I didn't know what to do with my bag nothing. When we lifted off I looked out the window and my jaw dropped. Everyone laughed. This was good! Finally I ended up watching a video on Robyn's phone that calmed me down. The scene was a huge success. Alright. This was getting less scary.

In November, I remember coming in, not wanting to work on my monologue for the Mock Auditions coming up in 3 weeks and there being someone else who was working on team building skills with us as a group. He asked us our goals in life. I said "To become a famous actress" and Skye shouted "OH I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT HAPPENING!" They joy I felt when those words were spoken is indescribable. Someone-Someone actually noticed me here. Had faith in me here. Believed in me here. Agreed with me here. I was being included and supported. If no one else supported me, Skye did! She believed in my talent, and my confidence went up.

Finally, it was the mock auditions. I had practised the dances too many times to count. I practised my solo more times than not. My monologue was on point. A monologue from You're a Good Man Charlie brown where I was playing the last character I ever played before Randolph four years ago: Lucy. It was the last class before Christmas. I bake at Christmas so I decided to bring in my cookies as a treat for the auditions. (And secretly hoping somebody would befriend me after my baking. It's never failed me before)

I was right. Everyone was so happy with the cookies. This is when I officially befriended Angel. Angel is so tlaented and sweet and the best hugger. I'm going to miss hugging everyone that's for sure... I went home and messaged people on Facebook complimenting them on how well they did that day and surprisingly got such wonderful compliments back. The next two weeks were sad and I knew come January, I would have friends. And I did. Some people said hi, I stood beside people, I talked to people. I went to watch Angel in Urine town. She blew me away. We were the closest now.

Then...I was put with Jessica a lot to read scenes that Barb and Anika had written to test out for the musical. I was still scared, but she was seeming more approachable. I had no other choice but to get comfortable with her. 

The musical was getting more and more developed, each week I was getting more and more excited to see my friends, and each week I was admiring Barb and Anika more and more. Please See More about my idolization of Barb and Anika here if you really want to... During break, we began to take photos. 

And I "discovered the Spice Girls" and we took more photos (To read more see my post here):

And then...I did something for the first time with a friend who isn't Lindsey, Jessica, Callie or my Mom...I made plans with Julia to go to Wexford in Scarborough (which we all know was a really really big deal for me).

It was happening. THIS is what being a teenager feels like huh? Making plans with friends...Taking photos... having someone to talk to...Wishing everyday was Sunday just to see them and your incredible teachers/directors/writers. Texting people, messaging them...And this is why I love musical theatre so much. Back in March I wrote this:

"The bond that you and a fellow Musical Theatre cast mate has is something indescribable. They've seen you mess up and they've seen you win. They've heard you crack your voice half way through a song or they've heard you sing when you could barely talk...and they've also heard you get chosen for a one line solo that suits your voice. They've seen you almost cry from frustration not being able to get a choreography move and have seen how much you sweat and have heard all your grunts during warm up. Heck, they've even seen you barefaced, sweaty, hair in a messy ponytail, and in yoga pants with a matching black t-shirt and sports bra on! They know the true you and you gain this trust that would take years with anyone else that happens in a matter of rehearsals. It's great and possibly one of my favourite parts of doing anything in the entertainment industry. You need their support, they need yours. You need to be able to try something and fail miserably but your cast mates are always there to help you out, cheer you up and on, and remind you how talented you are even when you feel defeated."

After the week I just had, I am happy to report that the feelings I had back in March were nothing in comparison to what they are tonight, Sunday night...Why do all good things come to an end?!

We started off tech week with knowing nothing. Well, that's an exaggeration but we didn't know what tomorrow held. We didn't know what the musical was like. The order it was in...Barb and Anika would cut whole scenes out just days before the musical. And we knew that would happen, it's the experience of a brand new musical. Funnily enough, even up to 5 minutes before every show something was changed. We were learning new songs 3 days before the show.But we managed to go with the flow and did it seamlessly. It was a really cool experience to be apart of!

Holler at him for taking a nap like a boss. I missed all my naps this week AND I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! Fun Fact: Chedi is the first boy I've hugged besides Nick Jonas. (family and family friends do not count) 

I remember Friday May 8th very well. Our call time was 10:30am, our first show (which was also our first full run through and dress rehearsal) was at 1pm. I had been asked to be an understudy for one of the scenes due to incidents that were happening... That Friday, 2 and a half hours before the show, the girl I was understudying for didn't show up. It was time for me to step up!

We now were faced with the task of re-blocking ALL the numbers. We were standing getting ready to practice Sounds of The Season. A couple people were late so Barb asked where they were standing. Julia pointed out where the girl was standing.

"...Not any more...OKAY! Get ready!" Barb announced. The group began a subtle murmur of what's and confusion. I turned around to Julia and told her.

"Don't worry, I got this." Everyone was still confused until we explained it further. We ran through her scene with Julia once before show time. I walked out of the scene and I remember Barb saying "Very good, bravo Erica!" and that was what I needed to hear to know that everything was going to be okay.

We were about to go into the quiet room when Anika asked "Are all of her lines covered?" and Barb nodded and asked if I could now say all of her lines. Now, please don't think she had a lot. Knowing her lines wasn't the hard part, it was the cues. I barely knew my own cues and now, I had 15 minutes to learn a whole other part's cues? Well...this run through was going to be interesting.

Our first show, the 1pm show on Friday, was an audience of Barb and Anika's students, I guess, from Wexford. They all had been part of an original cast too so they knew how this whole workshop process went. They agreed to let this be our dress rehearsal.

We put our hands in and yelled "CHARLES TUPPER ACADEMY FOR GIRLS!" before it was time for places. I was nervous beyond belief. I said to Anika "What if my voice cracks?" "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR UNCERTAINTIES! There's no time for that now!" Barb interrupted before I could continue to think about it.

We headed up the stairs. "Break a leg!" we excitedly wished each other. My stomach was going, my heart was racing...It was show time. We stood in the dark behind the curtain and my friend Naz gave me a pep talk. My favourite thing she said to me that first pep talk was "If anyone is allowed to mess up today, it's you." I calmed down. Every pep talk ended with "We have to do this."

We did it, we got through the opening number. I was so nervous, my mouth was so dry...My lips were sticking to my teeth. Woot woot! I did it, I had successfully gotten through the first scene. I took off the tape that said Alex (because there was no name tag) and got ready for the next scene. Julia gladly looked through the script for me so I knew when my cues were in the Prom scene. DURING THE SHOW!! TALK ABOUT TEAM WORK GUYS!

The new lines and scenes went so well. Were there mistakes that we all made OF COURSE! IT WAS OUR DRESS REHEARSAL! But that was the smoothest dress rehearsal and first run through that has ever existed (in my humble opinion). And then...all of a sudden...the show was over!

"Wow...how long was that? It felt like 5 minutes," we all agreed. We had to stay for notes after (of course) and then we also came on stage for a Q&A. Something that I remember thinking when the show was over while everyone clapped was:

"Oh...we never talked about how to end this thing..." We all looked around awkwardly and grabbed our chairs and went off...so awkward. It wasn't until before the 3rd show did they tell us to leave the chairs on.

During notes, we spoke about call time (5:30pm) for the next show so we could go over some things and then, their last note was a thank you to me.

"And a big thank you to Erica for stepping up and saving the show,"  they smiled at me. Everyone clapped for a long time. I wanted to cry but acted awkward and smiled anyway. Not trying to be arrogant when I say this but I honestly mean it when I say...It wasn't that big a deal. It was a few extra lines and if it weren't for the support, love, and help of my cast mates it would have been so horrible and I wouldn't have been able to do it or come in on time at all. It was thanks to my cast mates and directors that I was able to pull it off, everything else was nothing.

As I left with my mom to take a break before 5:30, everyone yelled "Great job Erica!" "You're amazing Erica!" "I love you Erica!"

...Wow...I was loved, and appreciated, and I was home. After a 4 year forced retirement, here I was being told how great I did.

"I'm like Tinkerbelle, Finn. I NEED APPLAUSE TO LIVE!!" -Rachel Berry

 

We came back later, I had bought actual name tags for Al which they were very grateful for, and it was time for opening night! Here we go again!

What I remember about the Friday 7pm show:

• We were changing like 15 minutes before show time
• We always did the same thing during the cast pep talk: we got grounded, we sighed, we breathed a lot, we read a letter that someone wrote (like George Randolph, Anika, or Lee-Anne) wrote for us, we Italianed lines, we got things fixed, a line was added and/or changed, a final uplifting thing was said to us and then we were told it was time for our places. 
• The same thing happened in the wings every show: I would drink some water, place it beside the chair, close the door, stand in the dark, Naz would say something encouraging and reassuring to me personally, and then the music would start and I would say quietly "PUMP UP! PUMP UP! HERE WE GO!" and walk down those stairs.
• My voice didn't crack
• I didn't go on for the Fence because there weren't enough chairs, there weren't any books on my side, I couldn't get in my pants on time, I walked on during the line "Forward" to join the cast...
• I sweat through my bra yet again
• One of the eyelets on my green "Darren Criss" dress (I've tried to meet him 3 times and all those times I've worn that dress) ripped...

DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HOT THAT THEATRE WAS? I don't think you understand...Imagine Harbord in the summer, now add leggings, a button-up white shirt, a fall blazer, singing, acting, and dancing for an hour (PLUS REHEARSAL TIME) with little-to-no water breaks.Yeah... My bra has the stains to prove it! And the girls change room was BOILING! Hotter than the theatre. I drank so much water wow.  I had to put on my black yoga pants like tights otherwise my foot would get caught and I wouldn't be able to go on! STRESSFUL! I prayed about costume changes before every show.

We said goodbye, packed our things, left our things in the dressing rooms, and then went home. On my way out I went to get my crowns from Barb. She complimented me again and I got to see Suzy who complimented me as well. Anika did too and before I left she told me one of the musicians during one of my scenes leaned over to her and whispered "wow she's really good!"

I beat myself up so much. I have the lowest self-esteem I've ever encountered. I'm so insecure. So when other people believe in me or compliment me or speak and act kindly to me, it mends a bit of my heart that I ripped up. So thank you friends, for all the sweet comments that helped even a few of the gashes I've given myself heal.

And then it was Saturday, the big day. My friends and family were coming!

Every morning my mom would cut the elastics out of my hair and take away all the fly-aways and re-do the hair style tying the green ribbons in last. My voice was feeling iffy so my dad brought me back these sprays from his office that would help, the first one, the Entertainer's Spray, was fine. I tried the Singer's Saving Grace spray... It went up my nose, I was already feeling so nauseous but now I was over the sink dry heaving... I chewed gum and it passed.

Time for show time. My line was changed again, I got a pep talk from Naz, I prayed I would make it into my blacks this time, and we did it! It was Anika's last show with us, I cried a few times...We were gonna miss her, but Suzy would play for her in the next two shows. And it was childhood all over again! Barb directing, Suzy playing piano...Complete circle.

Then it was lunch time. I DIDN'T go home with my mom as usual. I was determined to spend every last second I could with these people. I had planned to go out with Skye, Angel, Robyn, Henna, Sarah, Chloe (and whoever else went if I'm forgetting someone). But then Jessica said she was going for Sushi if I'd rather have that. From the nerves, my stomach wasn't feeling great that day so I opted for Sushi instead.

I went with Naz, Jessica, and Julia...Yes I know. Did you really hear that right? Did I really just GO OUT WITH PEOPLE? FOR LUNCH? BETWEEN SHOWS? WITHOUT MY MOM? Yes, friends. I did. In my 4 years of high school, no one has offered to do anything of the sort with me during or out of school. Starbucks? Yes. Lets go have lunch for an hour and a half or whatever, no. These people, my cast mates, whom I've known for 8 months actually invited me! I didn't ask to come, they invited me. 

Naz ordered all this stuff for us and I sat beside Jessica. #SarahLynnAndAlForever

We discussed topics such as:

• The musical
• Picky eaters
• Social Anxiety
• Anxiety in general
• How we don't have to pee because we sweat all the water out before it can reach our bladders
• How I'm a "Face type of girl" in which everyone started to laugh at me
• Bulk Barn
• Starbucks
• Our Moms
• And so much more

I told Jessica that I thought she hated me at first and how scary she was. She laughed. 

"I always laugh when people say that. I mean yes I give off that vibe but...If I love you I'll let you know. And if I hate you, I'll you know too."

She then told me her first impression of me at lunch.

"The first thing I noticed was, wow...That girl works hard!" I laughed...Oh more than you'll ever know. "And I really respected that. I love when people take things seriously. I thought you were a very hard worker." If that's my first impression, then I've done something right at least.

I had one of the best days of my life that day. I felt included. I felt special. "Being apart of something special makes you special." Thank you ladies, for making me feel like a normal teenager.

Later, Julia wasn't feeling alright so we chatted it out. And then I discovered something about myself with her and my life now makes a lot of sense! And then we got ready for the big show, the 7pm show with my whole family and friends. Anika had left for NYC at that point...I hope she had a good time. She missed our best show. She was with us in spirit, she wrote a lovely card for us. Apparently, she always starts her cards with "Guys," thus, I started my blog post with "Guys."

I was so nervous. More than before, but determined to show my best friends and my family that this is where I shine. This is where I'm at home. This...if my life. My all, my everything. And we did just that! The worst thing that happened was Jessica forgot to say "AL!" in one scene, but we trekked on through. People told her after back stage, she said sorry, bless her. Don't say sorry, it happens. Live theatre is magical like that. Something different always happens. I wasn't upset or anything. Moving on! 

"Oh get over it!" as Alison would say.

Wow. That 7pm show was incredible! It was our best one. We did so well! I saw my family, I got roses, my grandma gave me $30 so I could be a "paid actress" and my best friends were there. Supporting me forever. Tomorrow...would be the last day.

The morning was sad. I started it as I always do:

• Wake up at 8:30am
• Begin warming up my voice with the recordings from the classes (approximately 30 minutes worth of vocal warmups)
• Have my mom tell me to be quiet
• Sing in that obnoxious voice "MEOW MEOW MEOOOOOWWWW!"
• Go down stairs, force myself to eat breakfast
• Get my hair done
• Head to theatre

Our call time was 12pm...I got there at 10:55am. I waited for my cast mates, Robyn was there first. We chatted and slowly everyone filtered in. Before show time, Barb gave us a great peptalk, she got us to dedicate the show to someone. I cried. We were all shaky. Our last show...Just days ago we still hadn't learned all the songs and it was already over? The just over 1 hour show that felt like 5 minutes of performing was almost over? How did this happen?

We had gotten into a rhythm from where my water bottle is placed, where my blacks are (on top of MY chair in the quiet room with MY book for "The Fence"), to when and where I placed the holiday catalogues, to when and where my binder was placed before the scenes I needed them for, to Naz zipping up Jessica's prom dress first while I got into mine and then switching so I zipped up the rest, to who helped me unzip to get into my blacks in time in the quiet room. It was a well oiled machine and I have never experienced team work quite like it.

We walked up the stairs one last time, we performed one last time. I forgot to say one line but Julia covered for me...And then we took a bow and it was over. 

Walking up the stairs, Sarah was crying. I cried with her, we all hugged her and Barb came over to congratulate us on a great show and a great run, giving us each a hug. That was it... it was really over. It hadn't fully hit me.

We ate pizza in the quiet room and signed posters. My first musical in over 4 years, my first performance in 4 years, my last performance as a high schooler...My first time as an original cast, my first time performing with all these people, my first time with Randolph, my first time doing a performance as a teenager (my last performance was age 12?) It was all over.

I won't ever forget:

• Talking to Sarah-Lynn and Harry about wearing bows to match our uniforms because bows are so in right now
• Discussing how crazy Penny was and the fact that she deserves to cry for interrupting Sarah-Lynn...She's gonna get premature wrinkles anyway.
• Our wickedly awesome plot line for the "party scene" (as told my Jessica):
•  "So Piper and Sarah Lynn are talking, and Al and Harry are talking. Piper is swooning over Harry and Sarah Lynn notices and teases her about it. Harry leaves to talk to Chris and Al is left alone. Sarah Lynn and Piper get her attention. Sarah asks if Al is turnt yet. Al doesn't know what that means. Sarah asks if she can get her a drink. Al asks for soda. Sarah says either "She wants a cooler" or "She's so cute" to Piper. Sarah announces that her and Mr Ryan are exclusive. Al is mortified. Harry returns and joins the conversation about Sarah's affair with Mr Ryan. Al is still mortified. Sarah suggests setting Al up with another teacher (Mr Smith) so they can both have older boyfriends. Al is unsure. Sarah insists it's a good idea, takes Al's hand, and pulls her off to go set her up with Mr Smith."
• The incredible inside jokes and life long friends I've made

We all went for Starbucks and got drinks with our names on them. I hadn't had Starbucks in over 5 months. It was so good! Too bad the whole cast wasn't there, next time...At the reunion!

So, as I write this/wrote this I want to thank Randolph Academy for granting me the scholarship that changed my life and all of you: Julia, Skye, Naz, Angel, Henna, Jessica, Sarah, Robyn, Chloe, Chedi, Isaiah, Alison, Suzy, and of course Barb and Anika for the most incredible expereience of my life that I will never forget. Thank you for the amazing bond we've created, thank you for all that I've learned, thank you for the encouragement, support and love, thank you for helping me find my place and people... My home.

I love you all with all my heart. Words cannot even begin to describe how much each and every one of you mean to me and how much I care about you. You've taught me so much and I finally feel included. Please stay in touch...I can't imagine my life without you.

Before: March 2015

After: May 10, 2015

Charles Tupper Academy After Hours:

(Okay but I got a text from a number I had never seen before that just said "AL"...)

And that, friends, is what 4 days of being in the same hairstyle looks like. #AlProblems

Since it's ended, the musical has spoken to me on another level because now I'm stuck on the fence... And I can't have a minor to follow my heart responsibly, I can't balance passion and brains...But I need to build a shelter in case it rains. And so now I'm faced with a big decision: To attend post-secondary for acting or not. I have until June 24th. Thanks to Randolph, my mom finally understands fully my passion for acting.

As well, the song "May I Have This Dance" has a whole new meaning. If you ignore the fact that it's about prom and reword some stuff take a look how relatable it is to my experience and my cast mates:

"[8 months] ago, we came here together. [8 months] ago like babes in the woods. And we laughed and we cried and we lived and we died and we grew here together...doing things we never thought we could. And the days went by and all of us got older. And each day we tried, we tried to find our way. How time flies; seems like only yesterday. BUT YESTERDAY IS OVER NOW...WE ARE ALL IN CLOVER NOW! Finally it's our turn to shine! And this [has been] the night[s] that I've been dreaming of where every wish [came] true..." and then it's too much about prom from there but otherwise it's totally how I'm feeling. Great job Anika and Barb!

"This is my life. This is my moment! This is my hope...This is my fear...These are my hands! These are my feet for walking forward. This is my year."

Until next time guys...

"BEST YEAR EVRRRRR!!! Gonna miss you Charles Tupp!"

(Please enjoy this horrible photo shopped photo if I have more time one day I'll try to edit it better)

#ThisIsMyYear

Wish it. DREAM IT. Do it.

The Skinny: Week 8

Guess it's been 2 months, huh?

Super crazy how time flies, but at the same time... THIS PROCESS IS NEVER ENDING! I don't remember eating a single sugar this week except for 6-8 sour cream and onion pringles chips over the course of 2 days and like half a cup of chocolate milk (not my breakfast drink).

I didn't work out yesterday at all because Lindsey came over and it was the first time I saw her in like a month? She came by on Easter Monday but that's the last time I saw her. I tried on a Kate Spade dress yesterday and it was going so well until the chest... Damn these things. Can someone tell my chest that we're losing weight please? Because it's not listening to me!

Next week is my musical which means I will be in rehearsals from 5-9:30pm every. Single. Day. And I wouldn't have it any other way but you know what that means? Week 9 probably won't really happen...And by that I mean I won't have any time to work out. I can try doing it during my spares but...I'm not going to punish myself. So, unless I actually have a successful week, week 9 will be postponed until May 11... But I'm going to try my best regardless! Prom and my birthday party are coming quickly.

I just want to be thin. Is that too much to ask?

Today on my walk home from school, I saw a chubbier young girl stop and look at her reflection in the window of a store. She sucked in her stomach, looking at herself hopelessly, grabbed her stomach sadly, and then kept walking.

I've been there, I'm still there, and it made me really sad to see her doing that and knowing the EXACT thoughts going through her mind. I know people do that, but to actually witness it in person from a complete stranger was kind of heartbreaking.

This is why I'm doing this. I don't want to do that to myself any more. And I wonder...Will I still do that to myself when I'm thin? Will I still hate myself? Will I be satisfied? Most people would say no I won't. But let's see for myself!

My birthday dress came in the mail this week. The 14 was a bit too big, and the 12 would have been too small so I'm in between sizes which is GREAT! -_- I wonder what dress size I'll be when I'm thin...Will I ever be a 4? Or will I be a 6? Or an 8? What if I'm a 2? Only one way to find out. I've come too far to give up now, no matter how tempting that is.

I'm looking forward to that period of time where all my clothes are too big for me but there's no point of taking in my clothes... That'll be fun. Wow this is a lot of writing for basically nothing. haha!

Oh. P.s. My trampoline broke...again -_- There goes that super fantastic exercise. I WAS ABLE TO JUMP FOR 11 MINUTES STRAIGHT THIS WEEK!

Exercise Log

1. Saturday - Planks, weights, thigh challenge
2. Sunday- Planks, weights, thigh challenge
3. Monday- 45 minute walk home, pilates, weights, trampoline, thigh challenge
4. Tuesday- Pilates, planks, weights, trampoline, thigh challenge,
5. Wednesday- walk home, pilates, planks, weights, thigh challenge, trampoline (It might have broken on Tuesday... I can't remember)
6. Thursday- Nothing...
7. Friday- Thigh challenge, pilates, walk home, planks, weights

Today was actually the last day for the Thigh Challenge. It worked WONDERS and I think I might continue doing it. Maybe I'll stick to 20 reps for a while and then increase again. In the mean time, it's time to start a new one.

To find how to do the moves and other exercises, you can check out her website here :)

Planks Log

April 25

Full plank 1:45

Teaser 1:50

Dolphin 1:33

Wall sit 1:51

April 26

Full plank 1:45

Teaser 1:53

Dolphin 1:33

Wall sit 2:04

April 27

Nothing

April 28

Teaser 1:54

Full plank 1:45

Wall sit 2:10

Dolphin 1:36

April 29

Full plank 1:45 

Dolphin 1:36

Teaser 1:54

Wall sit 2:10

April 30

Nothing

May 1

Teaser: 1:58

Dolphin 1:36

Full plank 1:45

Wall sit 2:18

2 Month Achievements!

•  I went from being able to hold a full plank for 20 seconds or less to 1:45 seconds continuously. That means I have reached my goal of 60 seconds, 1:30 seconds, and 1:45 seconds. Next goal: 1:55
• I went from being able to hold a dolphin plank for 20 seconds or less to being able to hold it for 1:36 seconds. This means I've reached my goal of 60 seconds and 1:30 seconds. Next goal: 1:45
• I went from barely being able to jump on the trampoline for 3:30 seconds straight to over 11 minutes straight. (Too bad I can't keep going for now...I'll probably have to build up my endurance again...)
• My eating habits went from having junk food for snack every day after school + Junk food in bed before I went to sleep + whatever else I felt like having and drinking throughout the day day, to going days on end without having any excess sugar. 
• I went from not being able to fit into my jeans, to them being a bit too big for me.

Sporty is proud I'm sure ;)

I will be doing planks (almost) every day next week because there's NO WAY I want to go back down to less than 1:45. Wish me luck guys! I don't know when the next time will be when we talk.

Wish it. Dream it. DO IT!

The Skinny: Week 7

Hi Friends,

Week 7 was very exciting and not because I've been working out for 7 weeks. I got my prom dress (will make a post about my experience with the Corsage Project at a later time...Maybe I'll wait until June) and the musical is coming so quickly wow.

This week I also walked in the rain and hail. And despite me thinking I wouldn't be able to do Pilates on Friday, I DID! I found a yoga mat at the kids I was babysitting's house and my mom came over with my Pilates DVD and while they were sleeping I did my whole workout with my weights being later at like 11:45pm... Oh I also ordered my possible Hawaiian Birthday Dress (from the Bay despite what a horrible time I had last time and I swore I'd never order from them again...But I ordered over the phone and it was fine). Oh I also went to my Humber College's Degree Mix and Mingle and got financial questions answered and met some of the teachers in my accounting program. I promposed to my best friend who denied me, and then I promposed to my cousin Callie who is SUPER EXCITED and I'm soooo happy to be going to prom with her. We're gonna have a blast...And I bought my first 36DD bra (insert extremely angry face here)

How is it possible to lose weight and go up a cup size!? What ever, it feels better and gives me the best coverage ever so... All I can say is if I'm stuck with these when I'm thin, I'm going to be angry.

Oh...And my trampoline broke on Thursday....My parents have since repaired it but it has put me out for 3 days.

So lets get down to business!

Exercise Log:

Saturday moderate walking while shopping
Sunday nothing
Monday Pilates, weights, thigh challenge, trampoline, planks
Tuesday 45 minute walk in the rain and hail, Pilates, weights, thigh challenge, trampoline, planks
Wednesday Pilates, weights, thigh challenge, trampoline, planks
Thursday Pilates, weights, thigh challenge, trampoline, planks
Friday Pilates, weights, thigh challenge, planks

Plank Log

April 20:

Full plank 1:41

Wall sit 1:48

Teaser 1:49

Dolphin 1:31

April 21:

Full plank 1:45

Wall sit 1:48

Teaser 1:48

Dolphin 1:30

April 22:

Wall sit 1:50

Full plank 1:45

Teaser 1:48

Dolphin 1:31

April 23

Full plank 1:45 (struggle is real today)

Teaser 1:49

Dolphin plank 1:30

Wall sit 1:55

April 24:

Full plank 1:46

Dolphin plank. Approx 1:33

Teaser 1:50

Wall sit 1:50

Looks like I've reached my goal of 1:45! It's really hard. Maybe my next goal will be 1:55. Like I said, it's really hard...

Week 8 here I come!

Goals

• Pilates, trampoline, weights 5 times this week
• continue with no sugar
• drink 1.25L of water a day

Sorry for the lame post, life is getting busy right now...

Wish it. Dream it. Do it.

The Skinny: Week 6

Hey there Friends,

So it's been 6 weeks...a month and a half. Seeing as all my clothes fit now, I've found out that, though I have lost weight, I'm back to where I was before I gained weight so I didn't actually lose weight...if that makes sense?

It was SO NICE this week in Toronto. I've promised myself that, during the week anyway, when it's nice out I will go for a walk. I went for a walk every day this week. It's supposed to rain next week...Thank goodness I walked this week but I'm going to miss those walks! Let's hope week 8 is nice!

I'm going to admit something to you: I'm not perfect especially when it comes to health and fitness. I'm trying to change my lifestyle so I'm not killing myself but I could do better. And looking back on what I didn't do, it's not even that bad but we want to eliminate it all so.

1. I have eaten a little bit of excess sugar this week. Be that some of whatever my mom is eating, a little bit of whipped cream on my no-sugar chocolate pudding, or a bit of ice cream on Friday because I took way too long a nap and felt disgusting after I woke up (and the only way to get myself out of that is to eat ice cream. Trust me, I worked out before I ate the ice cream, I felt worse...Ice cream was given to me, all better Erica). I haven't eaten that much when I do eat sugar, but I still had some.
2. I have not drank at least 1L of water every day. Some days it's more, some days it's less to none. I need to work on this.
3. I've gotten into a horrible habit of not working out on weekends...which needs to stop. I allow myself 1 day off of working out and 1 day off of my basic daily workout. I do the thigh challenge everyday because you can't really skip that. But I've been abusing this. Yes I've had reasons, no I did not know I'd have a massive migraine on Sunday that didn't allow me to workout, but I need to stop this. The next few weeks I know it's going to be hard to workout on weekends but when my musical is over (DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT) I will be getting back onto the workout weekend horse.

That felt good to admit...

Anyway... lets just do this thing. Nothing exciting happened this week except for the fact that I'm getting more migraines...again.

Exercise Log:

• Saturday: 1.5 hour walk, thigh challenge
• Sunday: ...nothing
• Monday: 45 minute walk, trampoline, weights, thigh challenge, pilates, planks
• Tuesday: 45 minute walk, trampoline, weights, thigh challenge, pilates, planks
• Wednesday: 45 minute walk, trampoline, weights, thigh challenge, pilates, planks
• Thursday: 1 hour walk, trampoline, weights, thigh challenge, pilates, planks
• Friday: Trampoline, thigh challenge, pilates, planks

Plank Log:

April 11:

Nothing 

April 12: 

Nothing (bad!)

April 13:

Full plank 1:35
Teaser 1:44
Dolphin 1:26
Wall sit 1:43
April 14
Full plank 1:40
Teaser 1:44
Walls it 1:46
April 15
Wall sit 1:42
Plank 1:20 (after weights)
Teaser 1:48
Dolphin plank (after weights) 1:30
April 16
Full plank 1:40
Wall sit 1:44
Teaser 1:47
Dolphin plank 1:30
April 17
Full plank 1:41
Wall sit 1:48 (not fully down)
Teaser 1:48
Dolphin plank: 1:31

I know this week, week 7, is going to be hard. I'm working longer at co-op, I'm babysitting Friday which means the most I'll be able to do is planks and thighs, Saturday is busy, and Sunday a lot is going on and I guarantee you I'll get a migraine like I always do after theatre...

Goals for Week 7:

• Lower sugar intake (even though you're doing a pretty good job, Erica)
• Raise my water intake
• Do pilates 4 times this week
• Do trampoline 4 times this week and continuously bounce for 2 videos/songs in a row at least once when it comes to the trampoline workout
• Do weights 4 times this week

Wish it. Dream it...JUST DO IT!

The Skinny: Week 5

Friends, it's been 5 weeks!

Okay so as most of you know, it was Easter this past week. Why was I so excited for Easter this year? BECAUSE I COULD EAT ALL THE SUGAR I WANTED GUILT FREE!

So on Sunday April 5, I splurged big time...BIG TIME! I haven't eaten that much sugar since Valentines day and I started watching my sugar intake February 24, 2015. Do I regret it? ...Not really. Melanie C didn't come and talk me out of it so that's good...But I have now had my fill for the next like month and a bit. My mom's birthday is Thursday though so I'll probably have a sugar on Thursday (which is allowed in a sugar cleanse, it's a special occasion). My dad's birthday is tomorrow and as well, I want to try to get rid of my chocolate tomorrow with one of my best friends so I'm allowed sugar on Monday April 6.

BUT THAT'S IT! I have successfully cut out juice for 2 weeks and counting, I'm really trying my best to drink as much water as I can. I am slowly increasing my daily exercise. Starting Tuesday I will be more diligent with myself than I've been for the past little while. No sugar...I need to do this. June is coming.

I'll admit something...I didn't workout on Saturday (besides planks and thigh challenge) and I didn't plank or workout on Sunday due to my food coma but I did do the thigh challenge. Come the 6th, I will be adding my trampoline into my workouts and possibly weights we will see.

CAN THE WEATHER BE NICE ALREADY!? LIKE WHAT'S THE DEAL? I WANT TO WALK HOME!

I do feel bad for eating all that junk food today, I do feel guilty for not working out 2 times in a row, but I am determined to get over it and move on with my life and I'm committed to make the next 5 days the best 5 days I've had yet. I am making a vow that starting Tuesday, despite possibly having cake on Thursday, I will not be eating any excess sugar. This is a process...

Now excuse me while I try to drink enough water to flush out even a quarter of the chocolate that's running through my blood stream.

I'm now finishing writing this post on Saturday April 11.

This week was HARD! I had very little motivation, I was tired, my stomach was giving me issues (and I think it's because of how much sugar intake I had in total this week...I'm totally not immune any more!) But I pushed through, even yesterday, and I'm glad I did. I wonder what week 6 will be like.

On Monday night Lindsey was with me and we did Pilates together which was a fun experience. My first jumping session on the trampoline proved to me how out of shape I am but as the week progressed, the improvement in my endurance was very apparent. I could take shorter breaks between songs, I didn't feel as tired after...This is the exact endurance training I need!

Let's talk about the Trampoline for a second here. What I've started off with was bouncing to 2 almost 4 minute Spice Girls songs (of course...don't judge) with a break to catch my breath and lower my heart rate in between. Yesterday (Friday), I was noticing that I could probably add another song to the mix. So this week I will add another song; a shorter one though.

I've been talking about the weights training a lot I've noticed but have yet to do it. I'm aiming to actually add it in this week :)

I was complaining to Lindsey this week about doing Pilates and called it "Aka hate my life time"  and she came back with "I will love my life time"

I will love my life.

This is why I'm doing this. I'm unhappy with myself and all the restrictions that are put on me for what I want to do with my life. Both with the way I look, the way I feel, and the way my body performs. Thank you Barb for helping me understand that it's not even so much of what you look like (fat or thin) but what your body can do (strength) for you to do well in this industry.

And thanks to you, everyone who's put up with me and supported me through this process. It is a process. I hate it, but I'm now back to where I started before I gained all that weight this winter. Now the fun begins.

This helped me a lot this past week:

Let's just get down to business. It was a really gloomy week in Toronto (4 days in a row of cloud and rain...and grey...Maybe that's why I lacked motivation)

Plank Log

April 4

Full plank 1:33

Teaser 1:30

Dolphin 1:15

Wall sit 1:20

April 5:

Break day. Easter

April 6

Full plank 1:38

Teaser 1:39

Dolphin 1:20

Wall sit 1:30

April 7

Full plank 1:38

Teaser 1:40

Dolphin 1st attempt :38 seconds,  1:25

Wall sit 1:31

April 8

Full plank 1:33

Dolphin 1:20

Teaser 1:40

Wall sit 1:35

April 9

Full plank 1:35

Teaser 1:45

Dolphin 1:22

Wall sit 1:36

April 10

Full plank 1:40

Teaser 1:44

Wall sit 1:40

Dolphin 1:20

Exercise Log

Saturday: Planks & thigh challenge

Sunday: Nothing

Monday: Pilates (with Lindsey), Planks, Trampoline, Thigh Challenge

Tuesday: Pilates, Planks, Trampoline, Thigh Challenge

Wednesday: Pilates, Planks, Trampoline, Thigh Challenge

Thursday: Pilates, Planks, Trampoline, Thigh Challenge

Friday: Pilates, Planks, Trampoline, Thigh Challenge

Achievements of the week:

• I started my trampoline exercises again
• I successfully went 3 days without any excess sugar
• A couple friends complimented me on my weight loss
• My family noticed a big difference (while eating chocolate on Easter. Vovo: Erica, don't go back to your old ways, okay? You're looking great, don't stop. I can't wait to take in all your clothes.)
• Pilates 5 times
• Trampoline 5 times
• Slight increase in endurance

Goals for next week:

• Pilates 5 times
• Hold a plank for 1:35 seconds or more
• Trampoline 5 times adding an extra song
• At least 3 days of weights
• No excess sugar

Week six here I come!

Wish it. Dream it. Do it.

The Skinny: Week 4

What's up party people!

On Sunday I went to Musical Theatre class again and now we have another 2 week break...sigh.

Oh well, at least now I have another 2 weeks to impress everyone!

I told Barb and Suzy (Anika was away this week. :( ) that last class I could hold a plank for maybe 20 seconds and today I can hold one for a minute and 15 seconds or more! They were very impressed which makes me really happy. I've impressed myself and I've impressed my friends. Very good, Erica! Lets make week 4 and 5 even better than the last 3.

When it came time for planks during warm-up I brought out my phone and headphones and they looked at me.

"Oh I'm sorry, I have to listen to Spice Girls in order to plank. I have to distract myself."
Barb: *laughing* Okay go put on Spice Girls on the speaker then!

That's right guys, I got to listen to Never Give Up on the Good Times on the speaker while Barb, Suzy, and I sang doing our planks.

My lovely cast mates have suggested the wall sit and Barb suggested mountain climbers with high knees and burpees and to try to do side planks (which I will try this week. However, I will most likely fall). So now, on Monday, I start a new routine.

Daily Basic Workout Routine:
1. Full Plank
2. Half-Teaser
3. Dolphin Plank
4. Breath for a song and relax
5. Burpees (as many as I can do)
6. Wall Sits
7. Mountain climbers to high knees (as many as I can do) (aka. MCtoHK)

• Can I just say how confused I am by Burpees and my MCtoHK? No not because the exercise confuses me, but I don't know what my goal is...Is it time? Is it Reps? Is it BOTH? Ultimately I've decided, this week any way, to just try to do as many as I can. I will time it just to keep track and then try to form a goal from there. 
• IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT MY GOAL SHOULD BE FOR BURPEES AND SUCH PLEASE TELL ME! Should I be concerned about time or reps? Should I aim for the amount of reps in the time and try to shrink my time and increase my reps or just time or just reps? I'm so confused...
• I hope that makes sense.

Try:
1. Side planks
2. Those weird horrible pushups Barb showed us.
3. THIS    

Credit goes to Blogilates (Thank you for showing it to me Henna and Sarah!)

I looked at her basic beginner workout as well and honestly, I'm not strong enough for that right now. Maybe in May? We'll see. I started off with a fitness level on a scale of 0-10 of a -1 so.

Goals for this week:
1. Cut down on sugar even more (please see: last week I had insane mind-controlling cravings that I could barely control and the fact that I only had a little bit of some stuff on some days was huge) excluding Easter Sunday
2. 1 liter of water a day MINIMUM NO EXCUSES! ENOUGH OF DEHYDRATION
3. Pilates 5 times this week

Ultimately my goal is to be able to walk home from school or work or just a 40min-1.5 hour walk a day PLUS the basic daily workout I put together PLUS Pilates. IF THE WEATHER WOULD BE GOOD FOR ONCE IN IT'S LIFE, THAT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED! IT'S APRIL THIS WEEK GET IT TOGETHER!

I would add like a squat challenge to my daily routine but lets see how I do with this this week. I don't know how my body is going to react. I'll try to take a "before" photo this week because I regret not taking a before photo four weeks ago...

Monday March 30:

Today I woke up sore and as the day progressed I got more and more sore...But I don't know if that's because I did so many exercises or if it was from yesterday's rehearsal warm up. Time was all messed up today, I planked at school and did my half teaser at school during spare because I was bored. I can only do calculus word problems for so long! Then I came home and had snack before a nap. When I woke up from my nap I did my dolphin plank, wall sit, burpees, and MCtoHK. I need to work on the order of my basic workout because burpees followed by MCtoHK's is a very bad decision for me. They're exhausting. As each exercise passed, my body became more and more sore. I went to cake decorating class and then came home and ate dinner. I took a break before doing the 30 day slimmer thigh challenge and then Pilates at 10:20pm. When that was done I grabbed another bottle of water before an Epsom Salt bath with baking soda. I did attempt the side plank on my right side earlier and have come to the conclusion that I cannot do it at the current time. Maybe next week. Maybe I'll keep trying but I'm not getting my hopes up. 

The weather was actually quite nice today if it weren't so darn windy. The weather situation is looking up guys, and I can hardly wait! I successfully exceeded my goal for water intake and did a plank for 1:30 which means I've reached my NEW goal already. I'll try to keep that up for three times in a row before assigning 1:45 as my next goal. 

I highly doubt I'll be able to move tomorrow morning but we'll see. I will still workout regardless of my mobility but if I am extremely sore, I will lower my expectations and not be disappointed in myself for not achieving my usual. This is going to be a long week...

Tuesday March 31:

So the Epsom salt bath really did help because I was able to move today. HOWEVER, My right leg and arm felt very sore. I couldn't hold a plank very long today which was devastating but after the reassurance of my mom, dad, and Cece, I was able to get over the disappointment and move forward. I was going to try it again later but I didn't because I think my body is trying to tell me to rest. Typically I'm able to breathe through the pain and keep going, but not today... It's over, I still held it for over a minute, and I still did it. 

Friday April 3:

The end of week 4. This week I have experienced post-exercise pain like no other. It lasted...and lasted...and lasted. Today, Saturday the 4th, I'm finally feeling like it's over! I wore a character costume last April for 6 hours and literally could not move the next day. I stayed in bed. The 2nd day, it was was better and by the 3rd day I was fine. This week I hurt on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I started getting a weird nerve pain in my right arm, Thursday was painful, and Friday WAS KILLER! I love the burn, but when it gets in the way of your everyday life for long periods of time, it's not so fun. Every night I did this:

Epsom Salt Bath

1. Fill bath tub with hot water. Not too hot that you burn yourself but I see steam coming off of my bath water.

2. Put 2 heaping cap-fulls from your Epsom Salt container into the bath.

3. Add 1/4-1/2 cup of baking soda to your bath.

4. Watch an episode of Friends on your iPad while you soak. (aka stay in the bath for 20-25 minutes)

And then I would rub voltaren on my arms and legs and abs after my bath. Painful week...But I'm alive!

I've also come to the conclusion that I am not physically fit enough to add the burpees and MCtoHK's right now. I need to build up my endurance which brings me to my next point; I will be adding a daily jumping session on my exercise trampoline next week. Once my endurance is in check, I'll try adding those exercises back.

Achievements of the Week

• I planked for 1:30 multiple times this week which means I achieved my 2nd planking goal! New goal 1:45 (which will be hard because around 1:10 I have to start going all Kimmy Schmidt* and enduring something for 10 seconds at a time.)
• I drank 1L of water or more pretty much every day!
• I did Pilates 5 times this week despite the pain I was in
• Exercising is becoming a habit! Wow...never thought I'd say that! (please see: Fitness level -1)

*If you don't know what I'm talking about, please watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix.

Plank Log:

March 28:Full plank 1:19
Teaser 1:27
Dolphin 1:15
March 29Full plank: 1:20
Teaser: 1:15 (done in class, very painful so it's okay)
Dolphin: 1:19
March 30Full plank 1:30
Half teaser: 1:29
Dolphin 1:20
Wall sit: 54 seconds
Burpees: 8 in 30 seconds
Right side plank (on knees attempt): 22 seconds
MCtoHK: 4.5 in 60 seconds
March 31: (rough day, sore)MCtoHK 5 in 50 seconds
Half teaser: 1:29
Burpees: 9 in 35 seconds
Full plank 1:04
Wall sit 59 seconds
Dolphin plank 1:13
April 1:Break day but I did a full plank for 1:26 despite right arm pain just to see something
April 2Full plank 1:30
Teaser 1:31
Dolphin plank 1:12
Wall sit 1:10
April 3

Plank 1:30
Teaser 1:25
Dolphin 1:14
Wall sit 1:14

Exercise Log

Saturday- Planking

Sunday- Warm up at Rehearsal, including the planks

Monday - Pilates and planks, thinner thighs

Tuesday- Pilates and Planks, thinner thighs

Wednesday- Walk and pilates, thinner thighs

Thursday - Planks and pilates, thinner thighs

Friday - Pilates and planks, thinner thighs

Goals for Week 5:

• Drink at least 1L of water a day
• Do Pilates 5 times
• Use the trampoline 5 times
• Hold a plank continuously for at least 1:30
• After Monday, control sugar intake
• Maybe add weights?
• Work on Posture

 I guess I'm at the point in my exercising where I've stayed still for a while because I don't notice a difference in my body for the past two weeks...So...Am I at the point where I'll be seeing results quicker yet? I've got a long way to go still. Here we go week 5! (With Easter, it'll be hard) As well, no before photo...not the best looking week for me. Ignore the weird black font halfway through too...Don't know what's going on with this stuff.

This photo speaks to me. I'm closer today than I was yesterday.

Wish it. Dream it. Do it.