Confessions of a Lonely Child.

Hello all!

So...I assume most, if not all, of you have siblings. And you may or may not get along. If you get along, I am weeping on the inside. If you don't, I am weeping on the inside.

Please though, do not EVER tell an only child they are lucky. We are messed up people for the most part. We are almost like a different race. You will never understand the hardships of being one and I guarantee you that if your siblings were not there, you would feel the same as me or worse.

I wrote an essay on this topic for school this week and I'd like to share it with you.

This is for all the siblings out there. Be grateful. Be loving. Be kind. After all, you are more related to them than anyone else on this planet. There is a relationship there that I will never experience. Now, I obviously can't speak for every only child out there, but this is my experience:

The “Lonely” Child

           

            “Don’t get offended or anything,” a friend began to tell me. “But when I was younger, I used to think they were called lonely children!”
“They should be called that!” I expressed. “That’s exactly what we are.”
              Throughout my whole life, I have always marvelled at siblings and for every time I uttered the words “I wish I had a sibling,” people would always tell me how lucky I am for being an only child. But they don’t understand. Sure, there were times when my parents asked if I wanted a sibling and I’d answer “NO!” as quickly as I possibly could. But there were also times when I’d sit in my room crying miserably because I could really use an older sibling to talk to. I yearned for someone to laugh with about how ridiculous my mom looks when she brushes out her hair, to share family memories with, to be asked to “look like you love each other” when taking a photo, to share half my cookie with, to hug and snuggle when I’m feeling exceptionally lovey. I wanted to cheer for my older brother at his baseball game or hand a bouquet of roses to my little sister after her first dance recital; I wanted someone to love. And I still do.

 When I see siblings smiling in pictures together as teenagers, I cry. When I see them together in my school, I cry. When they tell me how much they wished they could be an only child, I cry. They don’t understand. I guess the saying’s true: you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone…

Let’s go back to the beginning. My dad is an only child and my mom has a brother who she’s now great friends with. I have no first cousins. All my second cousins are at least 45 years old. I have five third cousins, three of which live in Montreal and I don’t get along with. Out of the two remaining, one is a girl, Callie, who is eight months older than me and the other a boy, Jake, who is two years younger. Growing up, my mom would try to have us spend as much time together as possible by driving to Hamilton every weekend for years to visit those two cousins. At some point, we went every other weekend until slowly, we only got to see each other a few times a year. I was closer with Jake when we were little, but now Callie and I are BCFF’s (best cousin friends forever, like Sophia Grace and Rosie from Ellen). They are the only kids in my family that I get to see. I got along great with other kids growing up, but now I have an issue.

Lonely children have the advantage of learning advanced social skills from a young age because we are constantly only surrounded by adults. We are used to talking to adults who talk to us like we’re real people not just kids... We’ve known how to entertain ourselves for long periods of time from before we were potty trained; something our sibling friends still don’t seem to know how to do most of the time. Because I was the first and only child in the family, everyone adored me. My mom tried as hard as she could to stop “Only Child Syndrome (OCS)” early on by doing to me what I did to her. “Did you like it when mommy bit you?” “No.” “Mommy didn’t like it when you bit her either! Erica, you have to think of others. Before you do something, think about if you’d like it done to you. Okay?” “Okay mama, sorry.” And that stuck in my head to my detriment. I put everyone before me. Their happiness mattered most. I wouldn’t like to be told that I was being mean, so I didn’t say it to people when they were being mean to me. That led to depression. When that got too much, my parents sat me down and fixed their mistake. They told me “yes you have to think of others but you are the most important person. You have to be true to you and speak up for yourself.” I still put others before me but if I don’t like something, everyone around me knows it. And it better change. Fast.

The holidays are the absolute worst for me. It used to be okay when I was younger because my cousins would come to celebrate with me. I’d have people to talk to and have fun with. Now, they’re spent with people over the age of 44 who are too tired or too busy to do anything with me. They’re also my family so they like to criticize me whether they know they’re doing it or not. I’d rather not spend Christmas Eve crying so I go to my room and play Sims 2 until midnight because that’s when we open presents. I have a quick break for dinner at nine and dessert at 10:45pm, but other than that, my Sims and their huge families are living it up at their Christmas Eve celebration. Yes you heard me right, I sit alone in my room making sure my Sims have a good time on Christmas Eve because I’m not. The holidays are hours upon boring hours of eternal loneliness that I am forced to endure by myself with my boring practically non-existent family. Do you love your siblings yet?

Let’s fast forward. Have you ever heard the saying “friends come and go but family is forever?” What if you don’t have any family? Who would I call in the middle of the night in case of an emergency? Who will be there to morn with me at my parent’s funeral? Who will I have to reminisce about family memories with when my parents are gone? No one can now anyway, and the only people who have a more distorted vision of your childhood, other than yourself, are your parents.  So even they can’t reminisce with you sometimes. Who will be there for me no matter what when my parents are gone? Once they’re gone, they’re gone. I will be walking this Earth alone.

I will have to support my parents alone. All the pressure is put on me. If I mess up, my parents can’t hope that at least one of us ends up all right. I need to make them proud because I’m all they’ve got and all they will ever have. I have to be extra careful around my friends so I don’t lose them. I will never be a true aunt. My children will never have an aunt or uncle on my side. There’s something special about siblings cheering you on oppose to your parents, aunts, or even friends to me. I will never feel the joy of having my older brother being proud of me or my little sister pointing to my graduating photo and exclaiming “That’s my sister! She got a full scholarship to her university!” to all her friends at school. I will have no cute sibling moments on the red carpet when I’m a famous actress. Basically, I have no one but myself and my parents and for now that’s fine, but it won’t last forever.

Only children have a stigma. We’re all rude, selfish, self-absorbed, ignorant, greedy, needy, clingy, indecisive, inconsiderate, antisocial, and many other things along those lines. Now, most of those are true in some way or another but whenever you tell people you’re an only child, they give you a sceptical look and make rude comments like “You don’t seem like an only child.” Or “That makes a lot of sense.”

            Can I share a secret with you? I have a million friends that other people just can’t see.

They are all celebrities or fictional characters. They are my imaginary friends and I still talk to them on a daily basis. They’re not all with me at once. That gets too complicated. Depending on which celebrity I’m especially into at the time, they come and hang out with me whenever I want. Sometimes they’re my parents, sometimes they’re my siblings, sometimes they’re my friend.  Most only children, (if they will actually admit it) have imaginary friends.  People often ask if I’ve ever had imaginary friends and I just laugh because I still do and my imaginary friends have imaginary friends!

As I aforementioned, I used to socialize really well but now it’s a problem. I cannot be around people for particularly long stretches of time. I’m talking about even as little as two hours in some cases. I crave the solitude because I’m not used to doing things with other people. In fact, I tend to choose to be by myself whenever I can. Either that or do something with my mom. This is because most teenagers do not have the maturity level that I am used to socializing with. Growing up, I’d rather hangout with my mom’s friends than my mom’s friend’s kids, who were my own age or a bit older or younger. I’d always complain to my mom, “You’re so lucky! You get to hang out with them! I get to hang out with their kids…” I realized this maturity level thing early on, and kids are crazy. I would secretly refer to myself as the 30 year old in an 8 year olds body because I longed for that kind of socializing. As you get older in your childhood, adults tend to not want to hang out with you as much and I was forced to hang out with immature people who I wanted nothing to do with.  Now that I’m a teen, they like to talk to me again but it was a rough few years without them… However I do have friends that I like to hang out with for long periods of time. In fact, despite our self-centeredness, only children are extremely loyal! I value the relationships I have with my friends and if we’re close, I will do anything and everything for you because I am so thankful that I have someone I’d rather spend my time with than being alone. Despite the very few, select group of friends I have, I’m worried about how all this loneliness will affect me as I age. Only time will tell.

I grew up with false knowledge that my parents are my equals and I still pay the price by getting in trouble whenever I act upon that false knowledge. "You are not my mother!" Is a typical thing my mom will yell at me. I also find myself attracted to older people in all aspects of my life. My closest friends are all older than me and I seem to have crushes on boys who are at least three or four years older than me. That's just the way it is. Because I was socialized and still am socialized with such an older crowd, I seek for that in my relationships. I get along better with the teachers than the students for goodness sake! This makes school incredibly hard, I'm lucky I have as late of a birthday as I do; everyone is basically a year older than me.

I know for a fact that I will have a family consisting of a minimum of two or four kids and I will mom-blog my heart out when the time comes because I would never wish being an only child on even my worst enemy. I can’t wait to experience siblings through my children. I have a whole plan to make them love each other already.

This is one of my favourite songs from Glee sung by my girl Lea Michele/Rachel Berry. She understands.
Do you love your siblings yet? I would love to hear your thoughts so please share. Again, this is just a little glimpse at what I feel and go through as a lonely child. I hope you have a better respect for your brothers and/or sisters now. Give them a big hug for me and tell them you love them because I will never be able to do that. Ever.